i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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