Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
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I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
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You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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