Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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