when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
