69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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