I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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