I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
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He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
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HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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