eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
