I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
