I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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