If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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