i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
