If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
only you would photoshop your dick
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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