I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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