I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
What a dumb baby whore.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
