I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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