You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
