2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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