I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
