My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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