the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
