Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
