My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
