she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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