There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
