At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
