Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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