I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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