I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
