she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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