just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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