If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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