If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
