New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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