Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
