i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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