oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
