She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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