i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
