Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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