best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
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No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
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seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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