Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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