Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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