I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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