No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
