I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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