i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
