Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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