I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
