Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
