upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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