We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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