I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
