Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
