Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
