I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
