Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
