Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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