Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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