Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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