God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
